Not so Epic Crackfic Adventures
by Edfan765
Summary: Now a Series! Join the Team Fortress 2 Gang as they get into some of the most random, sickest, and most twisted situations created by an insane, young, and violent author! What kind of twistedness is in store for our mercenaries?
1. Scout's Not So Epic Crackfic Adventure

**I got bored... After eating 20 more times over my normal recommended dose of sugar!! So what does a young, insane, author do...? MAKE AN EXTREMELY VIOLENT CRACKFIC! MWAHAHA!!**

**Scout's (not so) Epic Crackfic Adventure!!**

Scout was hungry. In the middle of Area 64278, the desert made people hungry. He didn't know why. Medic said it was something about "exhaustion," and "Global Warming," but Scout thought he was hallucinating again, so he hit him in the head with a baseball bat. He walked into the mess hall filled with tons of other people and grabbed a sandwich.

The _last _sandwich...

"MAH SANDVEECH!!" Heavy yelled. Scout looked up after taking a bite. "YOU TOOK MAH SANDVEECH?! OMFG YOU MUST DIE!!! YOU ALL DIE!!!" He took his 4 million dollar gun, and starting shooting everyone with 200 dollar bullets. Then the economy randomly collapsed even more. Scout took refuge under a table, where Spy was eating a jar filled with honey.

"Nice one, dumbass. Now you have to steal a sandwich from the blue team." Spy unenthusiastically said.

"Why do I have to go all the way over there?" Scout questioned.

"Because we are all out of sandwiches. And using this sandwich tracker," Spy then held up a PDA-like gadget. "The nearest one is in the Blue team's base."

"Isn't there somewhere else I can get a sandwich?"

"No. It's either at the blue team's base, or the North Pole." Spy explained. "And I heard Santa's got a machine gun. Okay, now you are going to need lots of tools, so you need to go to the armory, and grab mines, several cloaking devices, glass eyeballs, bandages, combs, ski masks, rocket launchers, a list of items, a banana, a belt with a banana attached, and-"

However, Heavy had shot Spy in the head, and his head violently exploded, blood squirting everywhere!

"NOW YOU DIE FUR TAKIN MAH SANDVEECH!!!" Heavy yelled, shooting his gun at Scout.

Scout jumped in slow-motion, as the bullet nearly missed his leg. Heavy fired more bullets, that all epically missed in a Matrix-like style. "HA!" Scout gloated. Suddenly, he was hit in the back by an abnormally large bullet, and was pushed into a wall.

But lived...

Aww...

"OW! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Scout screamed, running out of the mess hall, with Heavy following. Scout ran into the armory, where he grabbed all that stuff, plus some candy in case he wanted to go on an extreme sugar buzz!

**Later dat day**

Scout ran through another base, looking for the all-mighty sandwich. He simply walked through the front door, and the guards let him in after he bribed them with toast. He had checked a room, to see a physicotic Medic.

"l0l0l0l0l!!" Laughed the stupid l33t talking Medic. "I hz d0n35 i7!!11!!11!!!!!one!!!eleven!! I, 73h fUkil\lg 3piC M3diiC, hz cR337Ecl 7eh M0z7 w3zum iN\/3n7iOn 1n 7eh wurdL!!!11!!shift+1!!!1!11!!!!!!111!!!One hundred and eleven!!"

Annoyed by the jackass's taunt, Scout threw a bomb in the room. The idiot Medic looked at it.

"OMFG!!!!11!! iT'5 c00k3e!!!!1111!!one!!!!1!" Medic chuckled like a deranged fangirl. He took the bomb (that looked like one of those old-fashion bombs) and ate it whole. "OMFG, I7 S0 YuMmEE!!!11!!1!!eleven!!!"

And then the idiotic Medic blew up into 576927837495 pieces, despite that being humanly impossible. Scout ran inside the room and laughed. So then he grabbed a random sandwich that the Medic was about to eat.

"HA! OWNED!" Scout yelled all superior like. However, then a blue Soldier and Demoman came into the room. Being the drunk bastard he was, Demoman fell over as soon as he saw Scout.

Soldier stared oddly at the Demoman, then at Scout. "It's a spy!" However, as soon as he said that, Scout took out a huge machinegun. Soldier grabbed Demoman by his neck, and held him up. "Please let me live! I present to you this humble and tasty offering!"

Scout scratched his chin. "Well..."

"HE'S A SPY!!" Soldier yelled, getting a distant look in his eye...

**_flashback..._**

Soldier is seen killing tons of people, yelling stuff like "ZAT HEAVY IS TEH SPY! THAT PYRO IS UH SPEYE! DAT SPY IS NOT ONE OF OUR SPIEZ!!!"

**_End flashback_**

"Ahh... good times..." Soldier said, leaning back.

However, a blue Heavy busted through the door, and started shooting people. "MAH SANDVEECH!!! U DIE NOW!!!" He yelled, shooting Scout. Scout ran out of the room, with Heavy still shooting his ass.

After about 20 butt shots Scout survived, he stopped at a corner, and dropped some Demoman bombs. "Yes! Now to wait for the fat asshole to come..." He ran away, and Heavy came towards the corner, staring at the bombs with wonder.

"Oooh... Shiny..."

**NUKE!!!**

"Haha! Dumbass!" Scout taunted after the huge explosion. He then randomly smacked into a wall. "I'm in pain now!"

"FRENCH TOAST!" A random Engineer yelled. "FRENCH TOAST!" He came out of no where, and started to shoot Scout. Scout was hit many times, and was shot off the balcony. He lived however. "YEEEAAAAAAAAH!! TOAST!" Engineer yelled.

Falling ever so dramatically, he suddenly found himself over Area OVER 9000!! It was a similar place, only weirder.

"Here, we have the world's largest _pillow_!" The female announcer yelled. "And we shall place it, right next to, the world's largest, painfullest, evilest, stankiest, cactus farm."

"AHHH!!!!!" Scout yelled from above. He landed on the pillow, bounced off, and landed in the cactus farm.

After he plucked all of the needles off, he grabbed his machine gun. "DIE YOU!!"

**You can imagine what happens to the announcer next...**

After Scout cleaned some blood off his machete, Scout continued to walk back to his base. He randomly bumped into a blue Scout.

"Hey!" Said the red Scout. "You look like me!"

"Umm... yeah... So I heard that Heavy's getting impatient, so why not give that sandwich to me, so I can give it to him?" Said the blue Scout.

It might have been because the red Scout became colorblind after his fall, but he grinned, and said "Sure thing buddy!"

He gave the blue Scout the all-mighty sandwich that he killed everyone for. He walked back to his base...

**Later...**

"And that's how it happened." Scout finished. He was now in a dark room with only Spy.

"You dumbass! The blue guys are the enemy! No matter what class they are!" Spy yelled.

Scout pondered this. "Oh. Okay!" He grabbed his gun and shot Spy in the head. "I saw you blue yesterday!"

Heavy randomly burst through the door. "DIE ALL OF YOU!!!"

And he shot Scout. And he died.

Engineer busted down another wall and yelled "YEAH TOAST!!"

Soon, he and Heavy got into a nuclear gunwar that ended with the entire world being blown to bits, killing everyone; including you, the reader.

**The Really Crappy End!**

**In truth, I don't really have Team Fortress 2, but I watched "Meet the Dumbasses," so that counts, right? Maybe I'll get it someday.**

**Thanks for reading the fanfiction equivalent of Youtube Poop!**


	2. Spy's Not So Epic Crackfic Adventure

**OMGWTFHAXBBQ! IT'S NOW A SERIES :O**

**Spy's (not so) Epic Crackfic Adventure**

**Summary: After Spy gets drenched in Jarate, he must escape BLU's base and save his dear life, or he will face an outrageously long respawn time! With drunken Demomen, Bonk-addict Scouts, and Pyros that talk like "Hmhmwmwww," can he survive?**

**SPONSORED BY iGOOGLE TRANSLATOR! IT HELPS YOU BRUSH UP ON YOUR GERMANIESS!**

Spy sneakily snookup on his next victim. He and Sniper had been mortal enemies. He remembered some fatal encounters of them both...

He had failed in backstabbing Sniper, and stabbed his face by accident...

Sniper had electrocuted Spy with his Razorback...

Spy had sapped Sniper's awesome gun (even though it's only supposed to work on Engineer's buildings)...

Sniper use his Marksman to stick Spy to a concrete wall...

Spy had kicked Sniper in the balls...

But this time, Spy would ultimately kill Sniper, once and for all!

Cloaked (yet not disguised), he sneaked his way into one of the Sniper posts of the King of the Hill Harvest. This time, it was on top of the roof of the huge-ass building.

Sniper was humming the Batman Theme song, as he continued to shoot his foes from afar.

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na- BATMAN!" Sniper yelled, as he shot a Heavy in the head.

Spy smirked as he pulled out his puny knife that could somehow kill people in one hit in the back.

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na- BATMAN!" Sniper yelled again, when he popped the head off of a Demoman, who was enjoying a cool refreshment.

Spy flicked open his knife, but ended up cutting his thumb off. He grabbed an invisible pillow, and screamed into it.

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na- BATMAN!" Sniper yelled again again, shooting a Medic in the head.

Spy suddenly tackled the Sniper from behind, and started to repeatedly _stab _him in his back for about 15 minutes.

"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Spy yelled like the lead singer of Linkin' Park (insert Copyright icon here)

Suddenly, he felt a tap on the shoulder. He looked up to see Sniper.

"What the fudge?" Spy said unintellectually. He stared at Sniper, then at the dead Sniper.

Then Sniper took out a pocket watch. "I stole your Dead Ringer."

"JUU FIEND!" Spy yelled. He grabbed Sniper's leg, and bit it.

"YOWCH! Why you little wanka!" Sniper took out his Kukiri, and attempted to stab Spy in the back. But since he only _attempted_ to stab him, he failed, and did not actually stab him. "How did that happen?"

"HY-YAH!" Spy suddenly back flipped, and took out his Ambassador in an overly-dramatic way. The whole world slowed down, as Spy slowly shot bullets out of the gun. Sniper dodged them all in a Matrix style. The world returned to normal, and Spy fell to the ground on his head. "Dammit!" He said like Engineer.

"Take this! HY-YAH!" Sniper threw his awesome Jarate at Spy. Spy was covered with the Jarate.

"..."

"Uh... Are you okay, mate?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"**I HATE YOU!**" Spy then grabbed Sniper by his neck, took out his knife, and-

**Since this scene is too violent to show, it will be replaced with some commercials.**

"Hey! I am, the Scout!" A RED Scout said, now at the intelroom at 2fort. "You know how I do stuff like this?"

He gestured over to a random TV screen, showing him dashing through tons of sentries, Heavies, Pyros, and every single Ray Gun that had the words "Anti-Scout Machine of DOOOOOOOOOOM!" painted on them, and picking up the intelligence, and running out, surviving completely.

"Ya see?" Scout said. He took out a can of soda from his desk cabinet. "I do it with this! BONK!"

He took a sip. His eyes went bug-eyed as he stood in silence for a moment, not blinking at all in a creepy manner.

"**LOOKATME LOOKATME LOOKATME! IAMTHESCOUT! IAMTHEFREAKINGSCOUT! IMMAFREAKINGBLURBLUR BLUR!**" Scout yelled like a deranged maniac as he ran circles around his room, smashing everything.

**Okay, let's get back to Spy...**

Spy finally took his knife out of Sniper's back. Suddenly, a large screen appeared over his head. It said:

**Achievement Unlocked: Wetwork  
Description: Stab an enemy to death while under the influence of Jarate.  
Reward: The pleasure of thousands of people because of the fact that Sniper technically peed on you.**

**Milestone Unlocked: Spy Milestone 2  
Description: Obtain 11 of the Spy Achievements  
Reward: Cloak and Dagger**

A random watch fell from the sky and hit Spy in the head.

"OWCHIEZ! I'm in pain!" Spy said.

The words "Mini-Crit" popped over his head.

Spy took 15 damage from the watch hurting him.

Spy looked at his health bar, which was at **110**.

"Oh sheet! I got to get back to my base before I get killed! And the respawntime in this map is 20 seconds! It's outrageous!" Spy recollected.

Spy ran back into the window, and randomly stabbed another Sniper in the back. "You die." He said, throwing the corpse out the window.

Spy tried cloaking with his old watch, but the Sniper's pee shorted it out, rendering it unusable.

And a time-bomb.

"Oh shi-"

**KA-BLEWY!**

**MINI-CRIT!**

Spy took 75 more damage. He was now at a puny 35 health.

"Why is this Jarate lasting so long?" Spy asked himself, now covered in soot. He put on his new Cloak and Dagger brand watch, and tried cloaking. However, since he was still covered in pee, he was still clearly visible. "I hate snipers..."

He ran down the stairs, and tried going out the front way, but then realized that when he first came in, 3 Engineers had sentry guns set up. Since his cloak wouldn't work right, he had to find some way to kill the engineers and sentries without getting killed, and without the aid of his cloak nor disguise kit.

While he pondered this, a BLU Spy walked by, and noticed the other Spy thinking on the stairs. "Hello, mentlegen."

"Hel- What did you just call me?"

"I will repeat myself, 'Hello, mentlegen.'"

"YOU DARE CALL ME MENTAL!" RED Spy questioned demonically.

"No, it's just some Youtube fad where I say 'gentlemen' and they mix it up into 'mentlegen."

"Oh... I'm still gonna beat the living crap out of you."

"Oh, okay... Wait, what?"

**STABBYNESS!**

Spy took the dagger out of the other spy's left eye.

"Wait a minute... I've got an idea!"

He undressed the dead spy (leaving him in heart boxers, in case you sickos were wondering), and piled his clothes into a bunch.

"Now, where to change?"

A random Medic walked by. "Hallo, Spy. Was stört Sie?"

Spy stared at him for a while. Then, he took out a PDA out of his pocket and pressed "Translate" and then "German."

"Hello, Spy. What troubles you?" The PDA said.

"I need to find a place to change clothes." Spy replied to Medic.

"Es gibt ein Badezimmer gleich dort drüben." Medic replied, pointing over to a random bathroom that just happened to be there.

"There is a bathroom right over there." The PDA translated.

"Thank you." Spy said, overcoming the weirdness of why an enemy Medic decided to help him.

After Spy redressed into the BLUE Spy attire, he dried drying off the Jarate as much as he could, to no avail.

An Engineer walked by.

"OH NO! It's a Spy!" Engineer took out his shotgun.

"Looks like the only way to fight this foe is only one way..." Spy said dramatically...

**"BAD POKEMON PARODIES!"**

Spy took out a Poke'ball. "Go, Sapper!"

Engineer threw his Poke'ball. "Go, Sentry!"

**Sapper  
Level: 16  
HP: 32/32  
Type: Spyish**

**VS**

**Sentry  
Level: 10  
HP: 26/26  
Type: Engin33r**

**What will Sapper do?**

**Attack--  
Item  
Defend  
RUN FOR YOUR F***ING LIFE!**

**Sap  
Wire Attack, thing--**

?

**Sapper uses Wire Attack, Thing!  
Sentry takes 6 damage!  
****It's not very effective...**

**Sentry uses Gun Down!  
Sapper takes OVAR NINE damage!  
It's not very effective, yet somewhat hurtyish at the same time.**

**What will Sapper do?**

**Attack--  
Item  
Defend  
RUN FOR YOUR F***ING LIFE!**

**Sap--  
Wire Attack, thing**

?

**Sapper uses Sap!  
Sentry takes 10 damage!  
It's super effective!**

**Sentry is stunned!**

**Sentry is being sapped and takes 5 damage!**

**What will Sapper do?**

**Attack  
Item--  
Defend  
RUN FOR YOUR F***ING LIFE!**

**Cloak and Dagger--  
Broken Invisi Watch  
Ambassador  
Knife**

**Sapper became invisible!**

**Engineer uses Wrench on Sentry!  
****Sentry is healed for 10 damage!  
Sentry's effect has worn off!**

**Sapper uses Sap... AGAIN.**

**It's super effective! And critical.**

**SENTRY EXPLODINATES INTO ITTAH BITTAH PIECES!**

**Sapper gained 23 XP!  
Sapper Leveled up!  
Sapper learned Multi-Sap!**

**Engineer: No! My Baby!**

**You got 5 points for killing Sentry and defeating Engineer!**

**Spy: YAH! I FREAKING PWN YOU ALL!**

After that random battle, Engineer started crying, then randomly **BLEW UP**.

"Weird, this feels like the 'Moments with Heavy' series on Youtube." Spy said. "Well, time to get a move on."

However, suddenly a Pyro came running by, yelling: "SPYCHECK! SPYCHECK! SPAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII CHEEEEEEEEEECK!"

Spy started to run in a comical fashion.

"AHH! MEDIC! SOMEONE! HALP!" Spy yelled in a Weegee like way. He ran by a Sentry, luckily Dodging the rockets and making them hit the Sandvich a Heavy was holding.

"MAH SANDVICH! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Heavy proceeded to take a walk around the world to find his sandvich...

"SOMEONE! ANYONE! HELP!"

A RED Medic walked by. He noticed the spy. "OKTOBERFESHT!" He yelled bizarrely. He then Ubered the Spy.

"WTF" Pyro stared.

"May I make a suggestion? _Run._"

"AHHH!" A random Scout started screaming and running away. The Pyro followed, and started screaming.

"Thank you." Spy said. "Now, I must get this Jarate off of me." He gestured to his suit, that was still covered in Australian urine.

"Go one. I have a score to settle with that other Medic... That and I want that Peer Review achievement." Medic said. He ran away to go hunt the BLU Medic.

Spy smiled as he turned his back to finally go back to the RED Base, completely oblivious to the warfare and explosions around him.

The door seemed only mere feet away. Spy looked at the door lovingly, as he slowly ran to the door, relieving every second...

...

...

Until a BLU Demoman threw a Beer Bottle at him and killed him.

"HAR HAR HAR HAR! They're going to have to bury you in a soup can! I hope it's the Chunky Brand! AH HAHAHAHAHA!" Demoman laughed triumphantly.

**THE VERY SATISFYING(?) END!**

**NEXT UP: That Drunk Bastard's not so Epic Crackfic Adventure**


End file.
